


I wouldn't even recognize him

by threecheersforkilljoys



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Childhood Friends, Friends to Enemies, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, MCR never happened, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Suicidal Thoughts, ex bestfriends, implied referenced suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-15 15:42:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3452714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threecheersforkilljoys/pseuds/threecheersforkilljoys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank and Gerard's ways parted after high school, both of them hating the other but when the former childhood friends coincidentally meet again long buried hopes and emotions may find their way back to the light of day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let's end this call and end this conversation

 

_Maybe ten years from now we will meet again at a coffee shop down the road and start over._

 

* * *

 

 

The coffee shop was nearly deserted when Gerard entered it. Granted it was eleven am on a Wednesday that wasn't very surprising. Every one over the age of twenty five was working. Every one younger than that was in school or college. Except, of course, you were a thirty three year old with a bachelor degree in comic books, that couldn't keep a decent job for more than two months and had just lost his sixth job in little over one and a half years.  
“Morning, Gerard.”, the barista greeted him already starting to make the coffee he always ordered.  
“Morning”, he mumbled as a reply sounding just as miserable as he felt. “Would you mind making that an extra tall one, Ray?”, he asked sitting down at the bar.

There was a dark haired guy sitting two seats away from him writing something but he couldn't care today. Normally he would have just found himself an empty chair somewhere no one was sitting but this place was the closest to the coffee machine and that is where Ray would be most of the time so Gerard sighed and lowered himself to the bar stool. Who has bar stools in a coffee shop anyways? That just didn’t make a lot of sense.  
“Bad night?, Ray assumed and placed the huge cup in front of his friend.  
“More like bad week.”  
“Got fired then, I'll guess.”  
“Clever boy”, Gerard hissed sarcastically when his phone started to ring. Clumsy as he was it took him a few seconds to get it out of the pocket of his way to tight jeans and check the caller ID. Mom, it said. Three letters, that made Gerard let out an exasperated grunt and push the button on his phone that would mute the ring tone. When she finally gave up the locked screen lit up again to remind him of just how many times he had muted her calls in the past days. Missed calls: Mom (27)

“That doesn't look very good either.”, Ray remarked and Gerard could only agree. The only reason she would have to call him was because he lost his job, again. Now, that again would imply that Mikey had told her. A thing he would only do if he were worried about his older brother, which was simply ridiculous. He was fine. He surely didn't lead the dream life but overall Gerard was fine. He had an apartment and...well that was it but who needed more. Although he couldn't be sure he would still have that apartment next month. He didn't have the money to pay the rent, actually he wasn't too confident that he even had the money to pay for his coffee right now but that was a thing to worry about later.

“I know.”, he said taking a sip from his coffee looking at the guy sitting next to him. Still writing. For some reason Gerard really wanted to know what it was he was writing but he didn't dare ask. “She probably is calling because I lost my job and now wants to lecture me but I think at the age of thirty three I am no longer legally required to pick up when she wants to talk to me so...”, he trailed off when a text message popped up.  
'Just answer the fucking phone already, Gee. It's not about the job believe me.  
\- Mikey'  
“The fuck?”, he said to himself showing the message to Ray.  
“What's Mikey got to do with that?”, his friend wanted to know.  
“No fucking clue.”  
“Maybe you should just pick up the next time she calls. Can't be too bad.”

Gerard shot him a glare to shut him up when his phone started ringing again and oh, what a surprise it was his mother calling. Just as Gerard was about to mute the call again Ray took the phone from his hand and answered the call. Gerard stared at him as if he had just murdered his firstborn but Ray didn't seem to care.  
“Hello, Mrs. Way.” “Yes, he is right next to me, I'll hand him over.” Grinning a little too much he pressed the phone back into Gerard's hands, who proceeded to contemplate whether it was worth to punch his best friend right now but then lifted the phone to his ear.  
“Mom, hello”  
“Gerard Arthur Way, why do I have to call you a hundred times before you pick up the phone once?”  
“Twenty eight times”  
“What?”  
“You had to call 28 times and I didn't even pick up voluntarily.”  
“I don't care if you picked up by your free will or not.”  
“Good, now that that's settled, no mom I will not endure a lecture about responsibility so if that is why you are calling you might as well hang up now.”  
“I know, that you lost your job, Gerard, your brother told me but that is not the reason I wanted to talk to you.”  
Gerard sighed, so Mikey had told her about the job. Honestly he should stop telling him things. He was completely fine, no need to worry.  
“Well it's part of the reason”  
Again, Gerard felt like slamming his head onto the bar in front of him. He was fine! Why did people not get that?  
“You know that Micheal only tells me that sort of things when he is worried about you.”, there was a pause at the other end of the line as if she was expecting her son to say something, which he wasn't going to do.  
“Anyway”, she continued after some time. “Your job is your business. As long as you can afford a place to stay I will not interfere but Gerard you are thirty three and unattached.”  
“What's the problem with that?”  
She completely ignored his question and started to speak again, “I talked to an old friend of yours recently. Well, not directly. I talked to his mother and she says he doesn't have anyone either.”  
“Oh great, now my mother is trying to set me up with someone I probably haven't spoken to in years because she thinks I'm a miserable loner.” Gerard could see the guy next to him look up but couldn't be bothered.  
“I'm not trying to set you up with anybody it's just that I know he lives in the same city as you do and-”  
“Oh, what a coincidence, how many people are there living in New York again? Like a billion?”  
“Gerard, I just think maybe you should go pay him a visit, talk to each other. Could be nice, maybe go out again.”  
“Could be nice but also could be the worst night of my life that's no valid argument. Who are you talking about anyways?”  
“Frank Iero.” Gerard almost spit out the coffee he had just taken a sip of.  
“Frank Iero? Are you fucking kidding me? We are talking about the same guy here, are we?” He could definitely sense the guy next to him watching him now. Maybe he was gay and just realized that Gerard's mother was trying to find him a boyfriend. On second thought he looked remarkably attractive and Gerard made a mental note to ask him about his writing after he endured his mother. He loved writing himself and maybe they could have a coffee together later.

“Yes. Yes, we are. Listen to me, Gerard, the two of you used to be so close.”  
“Yes and then we started high school and he turned into the biggest asshole on this planet and shoved me into my locker dumping a slushy over my head. Repeatedly. Do you recall that or do you have Alzheimer's?”  
“I am aware of what happened but why don't you give him a chance?”  
“Why would I do that, mom? That guy hates me and I hate him. If you remember he is the reason I got depression and attempted to fucking kill myself in eleventh grade I don't want anything to do with him. And it's not as if we were together before that. He was my best friend nothing more.”  
“Now, we both know, that that is not quite true. The two of you did kiss.”

“We were like seven when that happened! We didn't even know what the hell that meant at the time. And that was 26 years ago! That was enough time for him to transform into everything I despise and am disgusted by on this earth.”  
Gerard's mother attempted to say something but was cut of by him continuing his rant, “I know you thought we were in love. I'm aware that literally everyone thought we were in love. Hell, yes even I hoped that he was in love with me for some time because I definitely was in love with him but it doesn't matter what I felt like twenty years ago, things change. High school changes people. That guy is a stranger to me now and I am fucking glad it is that way, mom. I hate him, okay?”

“You don't even know what he is like today. People also change after high school. And there must have been a thing about him that made you like him before.”  
“I don't care what it was that made me like him in fucking kindergarten I must have been delusional or something. I still don't get why you are so determined to set me up with him don't you realize that I clearly am not interested?”  
“I am just trying to help you Gerard”  
“I don't fucking need your help!”, he almost shouted. Thankfully the only other people in the coffee shop were still the old lady in the back and the guy, that was still staring at him. By not it was kind of creeping Gerard out.

His mother carried on her part of the conversation and Gerard was seriously getting sick of it. “Okay, to hell mom, what will make you shut up?”  
“Just let me give you his address and promise you'll go see him”  
Gerard stopped himself from making a snide remark and simply said “Alright.”, without any intention of actually going to the guys place.  
“Do you have something to write on?”  
“Yeah.”, he informed her grabbing his napkin and leaning over the counter to find a pencil.  
After she had given him the address he handed Ray the pencil and stuffed the three lines of words into his pocket. “Just know, that this will be all your fault. And”, he added, “I won't even recognize the guy. He could be sitting right next to me. I haven't seen him in fifteen years and actually do not want to any time soon. He is the reason I didn't go to class reunion you know that. Well, the main reason at least. But that doesn't matter. I don't even know who he is, what he does, fucking hell I don't even know what he looks like!”  
“So, you'll find out soon enough”  
Gerard let out a dry laugh, No, I won't.  
“Whatever. Goodbye mom.”  
“Bye, Gerard.”

Gerard hang up the phone and looked at Ray full of exasperation. “What the fuck was that about?”  
“That my dear, was my mother trying to set me up with Frank fucking Iero aka my ex best friend who turned into the biggest bully at high school.”  
Ray looked at him confused for a couple of seconds before he started laughing.  
“What's so funny?”  
“I'm just imagining her so desperate to find a boyfriend for her thirty three year old, four years sober, unemployed, suicidal son, that went to fucking art school, that she wants him to date his arch nemesis and if you don't find that tremendously funny then I don't know what is.”  
“Oh, wow thanks, Ray. Spill out all my dirty secrets so I don't have a single chance with the guy that has been staring at me for the past five minutes anymore. And I am not suicidal!”  
“What do you have that therapist for then?”  
“As if you would understand but if you really want to know, there is this thing called anxiety and depression both of which are legit things you can have without being suicidal.”

“Alright, Gee. So you wanted a chance with that guy over there?”, he nodded towards the one that had been writing when Gerard had entered the shop, who now fast turned away, probably in embarrassment. Gerard couldn't resent him.  
Ray kept looking at him and asked, “I noticed your staring too. I think Gee over there at least deserves to know your name then.”  
The black haired man looked back up and seemed extremely self-conscious. “Ehm...”  
“You don't have to, really. After what you just heard about me I wouldn't want to give my name either.”, Gerard told him and he meant it.

“No, it's not that, it's just...I...I'm...”  
Both Gerard and Ray were observing him now.  
“I..I'm Frank Iero.”  
The entire city fell silent for a long moment after what Gerard had just heard.  
“You- what?”  
“I'm Frank Iero. The Frank Iero. The one you were talking about.”  
Gerard continued to stare at him not believing what the guy had just said. “You? Are Frank Iero? The guy, that out of nowhere started to bully me once we were freshmen?”

“Yes, I...look Gerard I- I'm sorry, I-”  
“Oh, no you don't get to apologize. Not now, not here. I never wanted to see you again and I have successfully done that till today so you don't get to apologize. Not ever.”, the shock was falling off of Gerard and now he was furious. How did he dare fucking apologize fifteen years later for all the shit he had put Gerard through.  
“Gerard, please, I know I was horrible to you and I heard what you just said about me” Dammit, Gerard thought, of course he had heard everything. The part where I said he attempted suicide but also the one where he confessed being in love with him. “I just want to make it right.”  
“I don't fucking care what you want, Frank. As you just said, you heard what I said about you. I don't know maybe you forgot the part where I said I hate you!”  
“I know and I understand that, Gee-”  
“Don't call me that!”  
Frank nodded looking hurt and why, why on earth did he have to be so attractive? “Okay. But really I am so fucking sorry for what I did and if it's any condolence I felt the same way about you, Gerard.”  
That struck Gerard like one of the footballs Frank had thrown at his head in junior year. “Then, why the fuck did you do all that, Iero. You don't make any sense at all. I don't even know why I am talking to you right now, I should just go this is ridiculous.” Gerard got up but Frank grabbed his wrist.  
“Please.”, he looked him in the eyes with a firm grip on the taller ones arm. “Please, just give me a chance, Gerard. I know no apology can make right what I did and you don't have to forgive me. I just want to explain. I still don't know what made me do all that. I was confused, angry at myself for falling for my best friend, and God I was scared as hell. Scared of the other boys, of them making fun of me. Scared of high school, of life in general and that just made me...something. Something I never wanted to be and something I am deeply sorry for. I was just a teenager hopelessly in love with his best friend, that didn't know what to do. Please, please stay. Just for a minute. Let me try to make it right”, his voice sounded so desperate it made Gee cringe.

Gerard was standing there barely three feet away from the person he had spent hating most all these years and he had no idea what to say. He now had an explanation for everything that had happened but he couldn't define how he felt about that. Frank Iero had been in love with him. Legit in love. All the time in high school he had tormented him, that was because he was in love with him. Gerard knew, that that wasn't a good excuse, actually no good at all but he felt the tears trying to escape his eyes anyway.

“Look, Frank, I don't give a shit what you felt or how scared you were. You made my life hell, you bullied me, you made me want to kill myself and I am never, never going to forgive you for that.”, Gerard managed to say. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done but he had to. People hurt him far to often and if he let him, Frank would surely do it again. He couldn't have the feelings he had had growing up ruin his life once more. “I do not want to talk to you or see you ever again. I don't care if it helped you conscience if you apologized to me. I was in love with you and you decided to become everything you never wanted to be so fuck you! Fuck you and fuck your feelings for me. I got over you a decade ago and I'm done!”

He forcefully pulled his wrist free from Franks grip and turned around not looking back. He slammed the door to the coffee shop behind him and started running. Where, he didn't know. When his legs started to ache he found himself just around the corner of his apartment so he walked the last couple of feet and then dragged himself up the stairs. He locked the door and went into the kitchen where he stared at the refrigerator. Moments later he ripped the picture of ten year old him and his best friend at the time off it and threw it into the bin. Slowly he sunk to the floor and covered his face with his hands and started to cry.

Maybe Mikey had been right after all. Maybe he wasn't alright. Maybe he never had been fine. Maybe he had just told the only person he had ever loved to go fuck themselves.


	2. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm being tremendously creative with the chapter titles....

Gerard had been sitting by the fridge for a long time, simply letting the tears stream down his face. He didn't care if other people would call him pathetic for that, nobody could see him here and honestly, there was only so far one could sink and even before today's incident Gerard had been somewhat very close to rock bottom.  
He glanced at his blurry reflection on the plain white tiles on the floor and saw the image everyone else got to see of him daily. Ragged, black messy hair, smudged eye-liner, dark circles around the eyes, walking around alone on midday. The prime example of a failure in society. When he couldn't stand seeing his own face anymore, Gerard dragged himself off of the floor and held onto the kitchen counter. For a moment he stared at the now blank spot where the picture of him and Frank used to be before he started to open arbitrary cupboards in search for any kind of alcohol he could find.  
Gerard was sure, that he had hid some, when Mikey had come all these years ago to take any intoxicating beverages he could find from his older brother. Somewhere in this apartment there's got to be a bottle of whiskey, Gerard only had to find it.

He knew, that he shouldn't, that Mikey would look at him the same way he did when Gerard had gotten himself into the hospital with alcohol poisoning. He knew, that he had vowed to never have a drink again and that he had promised his brother he would call him if he ever came close to that sort of stuff again and needed help. But in that moment none of that seemed to matter at all. All Gerard needed was to be drunk and forget everything  
It took him five minutes to go through everything in the kitchen before he turned around and continued his search in the living room, leaving behind a huge mess in the other room.

Before he made it into the corridor though something on the counter caught Gerard's eye. The reflection of sunlight on the steel blade of a sharp knife he had used to cut something a couple of days ago. Hesitantly he took a step backwards in the direction of the object. He could do it. Just once. Nobody would ever know. Place the blade on his wrist and feel the acute pain, that made him feel free for once, when he pressed it into his skin. He remembered the blood, slowly dripping to the floor, the way he couldn't stop admiring it, flowing down his arms, the romanticism, that came with self-destruction. Gerard had almost grabbed the knife before he could halt his own movements.  
It was one thing to get drunk but this wasn't a thing Mikey would forgive him for, Gerard would forgive himself for. He had meant what he had told Ray earlier, he wasn't suicidal. Not anymore.

Quickly he shook his head and left the room, determined to find that bottle, when the doorbell rang.  
Who the fuck could that be, Gerard raised one eyebrow in confusion before retreating from the living room to get to the door. It wasn't even thee yet, so even if Mikey had gotten off early from work he couldn't be here and besides, why would he anyways? He pursed his lips, when he couldn't thin of anyone else, that could show up. In a lame attempt to seem better looking than he was, he checked his appearance in the mirror next to the door and saw noting more than what he'd expected. Miserable, probably was the only word capable of describing how he looked. Despicable, might do as well. He huffed silently and then, Gerard opened the door, not very keen to find out who was standing outside. Whoever it was hopefully had a good reason to be here. Or on second thought, Gerard would rather prefer it if they didn't.  
It took him a second too long to realize who it was, that was standing in front of him because when he slammed the door in the other persons face Frank already had a foot in the door preventing it to close completely.

“Gerard, please, let me in.”  
“I think I've made it extremely clear, that I do not want to talk to you, Frank. Go away!”, Gerard did his best to hide his face behind the door because he didn't want Frank to see, that he had been crying.  
“No, Gerard! I will not walk away now. I made some horrible mistakes but now, that I have the chance to make it up to you I won't leave.”  
“And how exactly do you plan to do that, huh?”, Gerard was oblivious to Frank pushing the door further open, so he didn't realize that now his face was no longer hidden and Frank could clearly see his puffy, red eyes. The shorter man's expression softened, when he saw this and Gerard was confused with the sudden hurt displayed on his face.  
“By telling you the whole story. I do not expect you to forgive me, Gerard but I believe, that you deserve to know all of it and I'm not stopping until I've told you it all.”  
The soft tone in Frank's voice reminded Gerard of his childhood, of all the days and night they had spent together and he was to weak to resist the force the other man used to open the door, so he took a step backward letting go of the only thing separating the two of them.

Frank hesitated a moment before he stepped into the apartment, curiously looking around.  
“How do you even know where I live?”, Gerard demanded.  
“Your friend at the coffee shop gave me your address” Frank explained and Gerard cursed.  
“Traitor”

Gerard led the way to is living room, Frank following close behind. As they went by the open kitchen door Frank frowned, “What were you looking for?”  
Gerard mentally slapped himself for not closing the door to hide the mess, when he left but only muttered, “Nothing of your concern.”  
Thankfully Gerard had his back to Frank so he couldn't see him flinching at his harsh voice.  
When they reached the room full of DVDs, posters of comic book heroes and music Gerard turned around to his former classmate but all he could think of were the years he had spent asking himself what he had done wrong, what it had been that had made Frank turn away from him and now he was about the get an explanation for that. “Sit.”, he gestured to the couch in the middle of the room 

The heavily tattooed one looked at Gerard for a moment longer than necessary and then did as he was told, carefully removing Gerard's drawings and other things laying on the couch and put them on the small table in front of it so they would join the empty cans of diet soda, that had been standing there for at least a week. Gerard was pleasantly surprised that they hadn't started to develop lives of their own.  
“You are very talented.”, Frank remarked, holding a piece of a comic Gerard had been working on.  
“As if you know anything about that stuff.” Just because Gerard had let him into his apartment, that didn't mean that he wanted to talk to Frank. He wanted him to talk and say everything he wanted to say and then he wanted him to leave again and never come back.  
“I do actually. I'm not an expert but I had a friend who was very into comics, when I was younger and for some reason that second-hand passion followed me through life.” Frank looked up to Gerard, who was still standing a couple of feet away from the couch, with hopeful eyes. Gerard gave is best not to meet his gaze but failed eventually and swallowed hard, when he realized, that it was him, that Frank had been talking about.  
Damn it, Way, he thought, don't let those looks distract you from the only thing you really want here. An explanation. That's it.

Gerard sat down on the couch, keeping the longest distance possible to Frank.  
“Talk.”, he said, surprisingly calm but demanding.  
Frank looked at hm startled, “What?”  
“You said, you wanted me to know the whole story, that's what you're here for. Talk.”  
The other man looked hurt by Gerard's bluntness but didn't comment. What he didn't know was, that for the artist it was only a defense mechanism, a survival instinct. Be cold or have your feelings backfire at you and stab you in the chest. He pretended to be straightforward, numb to other people, so that he wouldn't ever have to be the victim of grown men, who mentally never put off their high school football uniform again. He had learned to act this way after being struck down too many times and being ridiculed for his sensitive nature since he had been a confused teenage guy, that had no direction in life. This way at least, the other person wouldn't realize it, when inevitably Gerard would get hurt.  
“Oh, okay. Yes, alright.”, Frank started, “where should I begin?” He glanced around the room aimlessly as if searching for something to hold on to.  
“Possibly at the point, where something went wrong with you and you had a complete change in mind.” Right now, Gerard was surprised by himself, how harsh he sounded, considering, that not ten minutes ago he had been crying on the kitchen floor and then pathetically went looking for alcohol.  
At once it struck him, his glance hovering over a greyish box in the bottom shelf of one of the countless messy cupboards. That was where he had put the bottle. All those boxes were full of comic books so he had been sure, that Mikey wouldn't go through them on his alcohol crackdown.

He leaped up off the couch leaving the other present person bewildered of what had gotten into him now. Almost aggressively he tore of the top of the box, the mere thought of the burning substance flowing down his throat now enough to drive him crazy.  
“Yes!”, he let out a sigh of achievement as he grabbed the whiskey with his right hand and pulled it out of the dusty carton.  
Frank still hadn't said a word and Gerard found a somewhat clean glass in between his stuff laying around.  
“Want some too? Could make this easier.”, he suggested, while pouring himself a generous amount.  
Frank didn't reply right away, he was still trying to process Gerard's sudden mood swing but then remembered a thing Ray had said back at the coffee shop.  
“I'm just imagining her so desperate to find a boyfriend for her thirty three year old, four years sober, unemployed, suicidal son.”  
Thirty three year old, four years sober, unemployed.  
Four years sober.  
Sober.

“Gerard! What the fuck do you think you are doing?”, he jumped to his feet, attempting to take the glass from Gerard's hands but couldn't reach far enough.  
“Pouring myself a drink, what does it look like?”  
“You're sober, for God's sake, Gee!”  
“Who gives a fuck, why would you give a fuck?”  
Frank reached forward again but again Gerard was too far away. This time though, the sudden movement was enough to get him off balance and he accidentally knocked over the glass when trying to regain it. They both watched the brown liquid stream over the floor before the alcoholic stared at Frank intensely and in that moment Frank wasn't so sure if it weren't better for him to start running now.  
There was a long, heavy silence between them before he comprehended, that Gerard was waiting for an answer.  
“Your friend in the coffee shop, he gives a fuck, your mother, who called you to set you up with me because she is worried about you, she gives a fuck, your brother, that texted you, he gives a fuck. I do, I give a fuck. Because I still care about you, Gerard.”  
The taller one seemed baffled by that last part of the sentence. “But why would you?”  
“I...”, Frank had to think about that himself, he couldn't come up with a coherent reason, that would make any sense, “I don't know. I just do.”

Again, in a matter of seconds Gerard's whole posture changed and with it his attitude. He chuckled at Frank's comment and from his point of view it almost looked like Gerard tried to keep himself from rolling his eyes, before he turned around to grab the bottle of whiskey again.  
“Stop!”, Frank shouted but Gerard didn't pay him any attention. Luckily the bottle was standing closer to the tattooed man, so when he lunged forward he could get hold of it before Gerard did.  
“Give me that!”, Gerard protested and when he reached out Frank for the first time noticed the bracelet he was wearing. It was a black ribbon with three blue stones on it, the middle on displaying a single red letter G. Frank owned a wristband like that, too, his with an F on it obviously but still, it was the same one, they had made twenty years ago in Gerard's room, promising, that they would stay friends forever.

Gerard evidently hadn't realized, what it was Frank was seeing and kept on pushing him to hand over the bottle.  
“Fight me!”, Frank exclaimed and Gerard laughed.  
“You're like four feet eight.”  
“And you surely haven't exercised since the last gym class you've had.”, Frank shot back.  
“God dammit, Frank! Just give me the fucking bottle and leave I'm not up for this right now.”  
“Give me your phone.”, the short one demanded.  
“What?”, Gerard was legitimately confused at this point.  
“Give me your phone and I will leave. I will call Ray and then I'll leave.”  
“Fuck, you won't”  
“That or I could run over to that window over there,” he pointed to his right, “and throw the bottle out of it.”  
For the what seemed thousandth time that day Gerard stared at him before sighing. “Fuck you.” and then handed over his phone.

Frank grabbed it with the hand that wasn't occupied with holding the bottle, making sure Gerard wouldn't make an attempt to get it and scrolled through the contacts. When he found Ray he pressed call and held the phone to his ear.  
“You have reached the voice mail of Ray Toro, please leave a message after the signal.”  
Frank groaned exasperated before hanging up looking at Gerard. The only other person Frank could come up with was-. Fuck, he swore in his head. What was his name? His panicked state didn't exactly help Frank remembering the name of Gerard's brother. He scolded himself for forgetting, he had spent days on end at the Way's house, obviously also hanging out with the younger boy and now he didn't even know his name.  
“What's your brother's name?”  
“Oh no, you're not calling Mikey!”  
“Thank you.”, Frank laughed right before Gerard realized his mistake.and he was grateful, that it didn't strike Gerard as weird, that Frank didn't remember his brothers name.  
“No, Frank, please. You can't do that!”  
“It's that or the bottle hitting the concrete and me staying with you all day until I'm sure you won't go out to get some new stuff.”  
For a second it seemed like Gerard was contemplating if he'd not rather prefer the latter option before he reluctantly said, “Go ahead”, and then stared at the ground while Frank called Mikey.

The younger Way picked up at the second ring. “Gee, hey, what's up?”  
He sounded happy and Frank felt bad for what he was about to do but it was the only way. “Hello, Mikey. This is Frank. This doesn't have to make sense right now, I just need you to come to Gerard's apartment asap, he's been wanting to...to do something I know he'll regret later and I'm really not the person he should be with right now. Can you come?”  
The person at the other end of the line was obviously confused but thankfully chose not to question Frank's words. “Yes, sure. I'll be there as fast as I can.” Then he hung up and Frank handed Gerard his phone back.  
“And now,” he said, sitting down on the couch, deliberately choosing the other side from Gerard, who had already taken a seat during the phone call, “we wait”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I really want to give this a new title but I cant come up with anything. If I eventually change it I'll say so in a chapter before though so that you'll know.
> 
> As always, kudos, subscriptions and comments are very much appreciated!


	3. This broken city sky like butane on my skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't anything special in the way of what happens but rather, that I wrote most of it today while blasting Revenge trying to not think about the fact that I won't ever see them live.
> 
> So, in memory of The Black Parade and The Fabulous Killjoys. In reminiscence of My Chemical Romance, the band that saved my life so many times and continues to do so more often than I can realize I want to say thank you to each and every one of them for fighting for us for 12 years, even though they didn't have to. 
> 
> And to the MCRmy I want to say "Stop your crying, helpless feeling, dry your eyes and start believing, there's one thing they'll never take from you". My Chem will alway be there for us, with or without shows, with or without new records. The idea behind it, the intention they had will carry on to translate to their fans and I refuse to let their lights fade away.
> 
> So it's time to hit the red-line and up thrust volume out there.  
> Keep running, Killoys

They sat in uncomfortable silence for what couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes until, finally, the doorbell rang. The first time since Frank had sat down he looked at Gerard and caught him staring at him. Although it should have, it didn't feel awkward at all. He just nodded at Frank once, signaling, that he should get up and open the door, which he then did.  
Frank always hated opening doors, no matter on which side he was standing. Even if you knew, who you were expecting you could never be entirely sure. You couldn't know how that person would show up, what mood they were in, how their face would shift, when they saw you behind the piece of wood. They could be happy, delighted to see you, humming a song under their breath and greet you with a hug (the latter part Frank did not like). But just as likely it was to find someone standing there angry, rage pumping through their veins. Those people would glare at you before you even had the chance to say hello and stump inside without asking to be let in.  
This time Frank couldn't be less sure of what to expect. The man waiting at the other side of the door was a stranger to him now and Frank didn't know a thing about him anymore.

He inhaled deeply before facing Gerard's brother. The atmosphere in the apartment had changed after Frank had called him. The air around them felt heavier, weighing him down, as if it was all his fault, that Gerard had acted the way he had. Granted that was almost entirely correct, seeing his ex-best friend's little brother didn't exactly make him feel better.  
"Mikey", he said flatly, not knowing what to do. The person in front of him now was no longer the skinny, shy 12 year old with the weird glasses but a grown man. The glasses had been replaced by contact lenses and his hair was dyed. Mikey was still incredibly thin but had a much stronger appearance and towered Frank by a couple of feet.  
"Frank", Mikey replied breathlessly, he had obviously been running up the stairs. "He really met up with you.", he concluded astounded.  
"Yeah", Frank muttered and lowered his gaze "We ran into each other, kinda...It was less voluntary. At least on his side." Nervously he played with the hem of his shirt.  
"Oh, okay", the other Way commented, some of the hope vanishing from his face. 

To Frank's surprise there hadn't been any anger in his voice at all. Frank had imagined him to punch him or at least yell at him but instead Mikey moved on with the conversation, eager to find out about the circumstances that required him here.  
"Anyways," he looked at the shorter man, "what is it with Gee?"  
Frank's head snapped back up. "Yes, right. Well" he chewed his lip ring uncomfortably, "he...I...we kinda met in that one coffee shop and well...he didn't want to talk to me so he left. I...I went after him cause I just wanted to explain everything and yes...he reluctantly let me in and then he...he-"  
"Frank what is it?"  
"He pulled a bottle of whiskey out of a box and poured himself a drink", he rushed those last words and concluded the overview of what had happened. Mikey stared at him wide eyed before his expression hardened and turned angry.

"Gerard! Arthur! Way!" He shoved Frank to the side and marched into the apartment. Frank stood in the doorway for a moment longer considering if he should just go and not interfere right now.  
"What the hell were you thinking?", he heard Mikey shout and then decided to stay in case his help was needed. Cautiously he made his way back into the living room, where he found the older brother sitting on the couch. When Mikey suddenly appeared in front of him he buried his head in his hands.  
"I don't know, Mikey. I'm sorry, I was just-" Frank could hear a quiet sob escaping the black haired man and winced. He hadn't meant to hurt him by calling his brother, was that why Gerard didn't want him to call Mikey? Because his brother would be disappointed and get angry with him?  
But then Mikey softened and keeled next to Gerard, the sensitive person Frank once knew coming back to the surface.  
"Hey, Gee, stop, man. I didn't mean it like that. I was just upset because you promised you would always reach out to me when it got bad again."  
Gerard didn't move and all that Frank could see from him hiding his face was that now, he was crying.  
"I'm so sorry Mikey. So sorry.", he sniffed, "I didn't mean to. I was just so overwhelmed and angry and I didn't know what to do." Gerard looked up at Mikey. Frank could see the tears, stained with eyeliner running down his cheeks. Suddenly Frank felt very out of place. Gerard rested his head on his brother's chest, who the soothingly patted Gerard's hair, trying to calm him down. The gesture seemed weirdly intimate and Frank felt like an intruder. He watched the siblings for a while longer until Gerard quieted down and sat back up straight.  
"Just, please, Gee, please do not ever do this again. You're lucky Frank stopped you."  
"I know.", Gerard looked back to the floor and these words coming from Mikey felt incredibly wrong. Essentially it had been Frank's fault that had put Gerard in this situation so he didn't feel like he deserved any gratitude for his actions.

Mikey stood up again and walked over to Frank.  
"Thank you", he said genuinely.  
"Doesn't matter", Frank murmured, "I kind of owed him."  
He was still surprised, that Mikey hadn't acted out on him. Back in the days of high school the boys had been so protective of each other Frank could be glad that Mikey had been to young to attend the same school as them. If Mikey had been in high school with them, then Frank could have been sure that he would have beat some sense into him. Although he couldn't really imagine the younger Way beating anyone up, so it might have only been a conversation containing lots of swear words and threats. Maybe that would have been better in the end for everyone though...  
"I know", Mikey commented, "this here doesn't mean that I'm not insanely pissed at you for what you've done. You're just lucky that our mom seems convinced you're back to being a decent human being."  
Frank gulped heavily, "I...I know", he stuttered, "I'm so sorry, I really want to make it right again."  
Mikey stared at him intently before lowering his voice and saying "I hope you succeed. If it's not to late for that."

“I think I should go now.”, Frank managed to say after taking in the picture of Mikey staring down on him with sad eyes and he still couldn't understand, why the younger Way was so inclined to have him around.  
“Probably for the best.”, Mikey sighed and awkwardly patted Frank's shoulder, “Make sure you come back, though.”  
“Yes, I still need to tell him everything.”, his glance shifted to Gerard who had one hand in his hair, the other one nervously rubbing up and down his thigh, trying to steady his shaking leg. That image reminded Frank too much of all the times Gerard had had to give a presentation in middle school and was so afraid of standing in front of the class, that they had to sneak into the bathroom minutes before the lesson started to calm him down. Frank would always hum one of their favorite songs and hug his best friend tightly, telling him it was gonna be alright, that he would do just fine.  
Right now he felt the urge to do just the same only different from back then, this wasn't about dreadful pre-teens staring at him but about real adult-life problems and Frank had no idea if it was ever just gonna be okay.  
“Right”, Mikey said and followed Frank's gaze. The shorter man shook his head ever so slightly and flashed Mikey a shy smile before retreating from the apartment. When he grabbed the doorknob he could feel his hands beginning to shake so as soon as he closed the door behind him he held onto himself tightly to prevent himself from trembling.

As soon as he was out of the apartment building he hailed a cab, which, as always took forever because nobody seemed to notice him in between the New York City skyscrapers. It was days like these that Frank felt invisible in the city. Too many people, not even half of them actually living here. Houses way too high so no one could fathom what it was like at the top. Streets so busy everything seemed like a haze of yellow cars and people rushing on the sidewalk as if every single one of them had to be somewhere this second or the world would perish. Sometimes this feeling of invisibility gave him peace. He would realize, that no matter how bad he fucked something up, in the end it wouldn't make any significant impact. He could just go on with his life and nothing in the city would change, everything would always be the same.  
Today though, that knowledge tore him inside. Thinking about all these people going on and about with their usual days as if nothing changed made him go crazy. He dug the fingers of his left hand into his scalp pressing until it hurt, while keeping the other one up, hoping a cab driver would finally notice him.  
If he screwed things up with Gerard, if he couldn't make him forgive him then nobody on these streets would know. Eight million people and everyone of them would go on with their normal lives, while Frank's shattered.

Until a few weeks ago none of this had seemed to matter. Sure, every once in a while he had regretfully thought of his childhood (what he had thought to be unrequited) love and wished he had done something differently but it never had this effect on him. Never did he feel like his chest would burst open because of all the things bottled up inside. Never did he feel like he had to restrain himself from crying in the middle of the day in an open street in Brooklyn.  
Frank couldn't name one exact moment, when that had changed, it was more of a string of occurrences, that had made him this way.  
First, one of his friends finding an old photo booth with pictures from so long ago. Then this shitty Smashing Pumpkins coverband at a club he went to playing a song Gerard used to love. After that, under a pile of old mail the invitation to class reunion, that he hadn't accepted and lastly just a couple of days ago his mother calling him to tell him, that she had talked to Donna Way recently and getting him updated on life back in New Jersey.

Frank gave up on getting a cab and decided to walk home instead, the not so fresh air of the city helping him clear his mind. He didn't actually live that far away and he could use the time to think. Finding a small alley next to a record shop Frank hid himself in the shadows and leaned onto the cold brick wall behind him. The early afternoon sun disappeared behind the tall walls, that Frank rested his head on and he could feel the slight chill that came with late August wind. He closed his eyes and desperately tried not to think about Gerard. Frank blocked out the sounds of the city roaring in the background, his heart rate increasing with every passing second, that he couldn't erase the picture of Gerard frantically pouring himself a drink flashing before his eyes. This was all his fault. If he hadn't been in that coffee shop today, if he hadn't insisted on talking to his old friend, if he hadn't gone to his apartment.  
No, this had started even earlier. If he hadn't been so frightened in high school, if he hadn't let the other boys cloud his judgment, if he had never distanced himself from Gerard in that way, none of this would have happened. The other man would not be in the state he was now. He would have been able to enjoy a drink without relapsing, he wouldn't have to see a therapist for depression. Frank felt like he deserved the blame for every thing, that had ever gone wrong in Gerard's life.  
He ran his hands up and down his body wanting to stop the tingling he could feel underneath his skin. The sudden numbness in his fingers spread through his hands and Frank felt small drops of cold sweat running down his neck. He brushed them away and wheeled around, a feeling of terror creeping up his back. With shaking fingers his held onto the bricks now in front of him and lowered himself to the ground kneeling on the dirty pavement. He knew what this was but he hadn't felt it in such a long time that he was completely overwhelmed and everything he had learned about dealing with panic attacks vanished from his memory  
“Breathe”, he told himself staggering, “breathe”, he repeated.  
Clutching his hands to his chest he shut his eyes violently and buried his head in his lap, not caring if anyone found him this way.  
Minutes passed and slowly Frank began to be aware of his surroundings again, he felt his hands stabilizing and his heart beat normalizing. He let out a long ragged breath and opened his eyes again. Thankfully nobody was there, staring at him and so he weakly pulled himself off of the ground grabbing hold of the small parts in the brick wall that stood out enough to curl his fingers around them. He tried to recollected himself and focused on a graffiti on the opposite wall. A black and white man walking through a city full of colors, sparkling from the windows of houses and the streets. Frank contemplated the image for a moment during which he brushed the dirt off his jeans.

He took a step forward, the warm sun shining at him and he winced at the sudden brightness. Rapidly looking back to the cobblestone he gathered everything he had and finally found the guts to face the world again.

The next minutes Frank didn't feel like he was part of the city. He pulled his jacket close and stared to the ground, while finding his way back home The apartment building he had been living in for a couple of years now was nothing special. Just another collection of small flats, cheap enough, so that struggling artists and notorious fuck-ups like him could afford a place. It looked quite similar to Gerard's home, dirty, uninviting and discomforting. Apartment 6B was stacked with guitars, CDs and long abandoned hopes and dreams of a bright future.

Frank unlocked his front door and threw his jacket somewhat in the direction of where his coat hook was hanging. In his haste he very obviously missed but stepped over the bundle of cloth laying on the floor on his way into the kitchen. There was a half empty beer can from yesterday evening, which Frank grabbed and headed towards his small living room.  
A blinking light on the house phone reminded him of his boss, who was probably furious because he didn't show up for work today.  
Frank winced at the thought of facing him tomorrow but then have up worrying and turned on the TV to find something to get his attention, to turn his mind away from the events of the day. And it wasn't even over yet. Frank's eyes shot open, when he realized that. It couldn't be that late. Actually, it might not even be time for his shift yet. Frantically he jumped off the sofa to check the time. 

According to his cellphone it was only 2pm. Frank groaned loudly, it felt like it was already ten in the evening and all he wanted to do was crawl into his bed and fall asleep and maybe even never wake up again. The day had drained him from all his energy and he already felt the tiredness spreading in his body. His shift at the bar he worked at started at five and he was sure he wouldn't make it till then. His gaze shifted back to the landline phone and he jerked, when he realized, that if he wasn't late for work it couldn't have been his boss to call him.  
But who then?, Frank wondered and picked up the phone, curious who had attempted to contact him.  
He pressed the button, which he figured was supposed to play the message that had been left for him. Frank wasn't an expert, when it came to technology. He was glad, that he had a cellphone he could operate and a laptop, which was easy enough to work with. Thinking about it, he couldn't remember, when somebody had ever left a message or even called his landline.  
“One unheard message.”, the robotic voice informed him, “First unheard message:  
Hi, Frankie, it's your mom. I wanted to ask you to come home next weekend. We're having guests over and they would like to see you. Let me know, if you can come. Love you”

The message ended and after the strange voice told him, that he didn't have any other ones to listen to he hung up and put the phone back on the coffee table in front of the couch.  
Frank went home to see his parents every once in a while but he didn't really care to do so any time soon again. After today his plans for the weekend had consisted of bad movies, Doritos and claiming to be sick so he didn't have to work. More precisely he planned on not leaving his bed and blaming himself for every bad thing that Gerard had ever witnessed. But apparently that wasn't going to happen, although he could still fake being sick and ditch work today. It was partly true, too. He didn't feel good. He still hadn't fully recovered from his panic attack, a small tremor running through his tattooed fingers, whenever he pictured Gerard.  
Involuntarily.  
Frank didn't want to think of anything right now but he couldn't help it. His mind didn't obey his orders and again he found himself sitting on a cushion on the warm floor of his apartment imaging how things could have been, if he hadn't been such a jerk back then. Quickly he sent a text to the owner of the bar he worked at apologizing for not being able to make it today, saying he had a really bad cold and couldn't get out of bed. Then he let his head fall back against the sofa and figured, he should give his mom a call and let her know he was gonna come but decided against it. He could do that later. What he needed right now was something to distract him from the one person he had thought he'd long lost.

Pacing through the room he finally settled on a crap movie, which was so dull Frank could only laugh at the critic whose quote on the back cover described the movie as 'a profound masterpiece in cinematic history' 

He turned off his phone, so that he wasn't tempted to call anyone remotely related to Gerard and sank into the cushions of his way too comfortable sofa. The movie started and Frank gave his best to engross all of his mind into the plot of it. It didn't take long though and his fatigue took over, the emotionally draining day pulling Frank into unconsciousness and the last thing he thought of was who those guests his mom had mentioned might be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the probably not so eloquent content I just really wated to post something today although writing about them certainly didn't do any good in trying to get over them but fuck it. 
> 
> As I said,  
> Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Ray, what you did was amazing. You were incredible and nobody will ever forget that.  
> The Black Parade will never die.


	4. Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have a thing for Taking Back Sunday lyrics as chapter titles.

_September 3 rd 1996_

 

Gerard's alarm went off at precisely 7am waking him violently from a horrible night's sleep. He was sure, that it couldn't have been more than an hour since he last woke up from an incomprehensible nightmare and in total he probably hadn't slept more than three hours that night. Groaning he sat up on his bed checking the calendar, that his mom had made him put there at the beginning of the year because he always forgot important events, due to never knowing which date it was. Usually, he was grateful for it but right now he wanted to burn that damn thing.

In big, bold letters it told Gerard what day it was, almost mocking him.

September 3rd

He stared at the calender for a while longer willing the date to be a different one. Regretfully his extrasensory powers were close to non-existent and the date stayed the same. Yes, only close to, you can never know when you get bitten by a radioactive spider or something likewise.

He buried his face in his hands for a second before sighing loudly and getting up. Gerard knew, that he couldn't change anything about today, so he might as well get dressed. He opened his closet, figuring it wouldn't be too hard to choose something to wear. The black jeans he put on were standard with him and attempting to calm himself down he grabbed his favorite shirt and put that on as well.

With his room being so small Gerard could reach his desk from where he was standing and took the dreadful piece of paper, that had been laying there for the last week. His schedule. He scanned through his classes for the day, math, US-history, science and finally art. The latter one couldn't be too bad he hoped as his gaze shifted to the headline of the sheet. _Gerard Way, grade 9, Belleville High School_

High School.

He felt the paper tremble under the slight shake of his right hand but steadied himself as soon as he noticed. This was ridiculous, he was being ridiculous. Yes, high school was scary. Yes, he had heard it all about people changing in high school, abandoning their friends and becoming completely different human beings but those were stories the older students told to scare off the freshmen, he repeated to himself for the millionth time this summer, that was now over.

This wouldn't happen to him, he had Frank and Frank wouldn't abandon him. Frank had been his best friend, maybe even more than that for almost his entire life, he wouldn't change.

Speaking of Frank, that was the only thing Gerard was looking forward to. He hadn't seen his best friend in almost a month now and he was excited about what the smaller guy had to tell him about his vacation. The Iero family, or rather the adults, had decided that, this year before Frank started high school they should go on family holiday, leaving Gerard alone in Belleville. He hadn't had the time of his life but it hadn't been as bad as Gerard had predicted it to be. Most of the days were spent either at his grandma's with Mikey or enjoying the solitude of his room in the basement of the house they lived in.

He had drawn a lot over the past weeks, a lot of stuff he was thrilled to show to Frank, hopefully this afternoon, when they celebrated surviving the first day as freshmen.

Frank had called last night, just after the family arrived back in Jersey but their conversation had been brief. He'd checked in to tell Gerard, that he was home again but then cut his best friend off, saying that he needed to get his stuff ready for tomorrow and then go to sleep. It wasn't like Frank to do that. Normally he would have asked Gerard to come over, no matter what the time or at least talked to him over the phone for hours, explaining in great detail every little thing he'd done on vacation. There had been so may nights, when one of them or sometimes even both fell asleep with the phone still clutched between hand and ear. Yesterday hadn't been one of those nights but Gerard had brushed it off as Frank being nervous and not wanting to infect Gerard with his anxiousness.

He checked the clock on one of his his blue walls and jumped. 7:30. If he still wanted breakfast he needed to hurry up. Being late on your first day of school certainly wasn't a thing you wanted to achieve. Gerard rushed into the bathroom, quickly splashed water into his face and brushed his teeth before running back to his room, grabbing his backpack and then upstairs again, settling into one of the kitchen chairs.

Just as he sat down Mikey emptied his bowl of cereal and got up. “Good luck, Gee. Have fun.” He gave his big brother a comforting hug before leaving the house, to catch a bus earlier than Gerard had to. _Only thing better about high school,_ Gerard thought, _it's closer than middle school._

 

“Morning, darling.”, his mother placed a bowl of cornflakes in front of him and sat down across the table. Gerard looked at her, cocking an eyebrow, this wasn't something usual for her.

“How are you feeling?”, she asked.

“Alright, I guess.”, Gerard mumbled, shoving a spoonful into his mouth.

“You don't have to be scared, you know that, don't you?”

“Yeah.”, he lied and broke eye contact to eat more.

“Gerard, I know you're afraid, I can tell, you have been uneasy these last couple of days but you really don't have to. You're not alone, you've got Frank.”

“I know, mom.”, the boy agreed just as he finished his breakfast and got up to walk to the bus.

“Have fun!”, his mother called from the kitchen and Gerard gave back a somewhat positive response

 

The bus stop was crowded, when he arrived and Gerard scanned the kids to find his friend but Frank was nowhere to be found. He sighed but leaned against a tree behind the group of teenagers. Frank was probably just running a little late and would arrive any second.

When the bus pulled up though Frank still hadn't shown up and Gerard was slightly worried. He was pushed and squeezed by the sheer mess of others, when he climbed into the bus finding an empty seat in the middle. He sat down, letting out a breath he hadn't known he was holding, when he realized that Frank's mother most likely drove him to school this morning. Although it hurt Gerard, that Frank hadn't told him he was relieved, when he came up with a proper solution, that didn't involve Frank being sick or dead.

The drive to school was short and hadn't he been a little too late today Gerard figured he could actually just walk there any other days, when he felt like it. He'd pass Frank's house on the way so he could pick him up and they'd walk to school together.

From the short conversation they had had yesterday Gerard knew that Frank was in a lot of the same classes as him which had been an immediate relief. They had their first high school lesson ever together, so when Gerard left the bus and stood in front of the big, gray building his eyes darted around to find his best friend.

There were too many people standing around him and Gerard couldn't see anything. It seemed like the entirety of the students had purposely gathered to block his view and Gerard groaned silently in exasperation. Right now all he wanted was to find Frank, give him a huge hug and catch up with him until the bell rang.

Gerard pushed his way through the teenagers around him, to get to the room his lesson was gonna be in, perhaps Frank was already there. On his way there though Gerard spotted the boy standing in the hallway, talking to some guy, Gerard recognized from middle school, who was about two years older than them, casually leaning against a locker. Compared to him Frank seemed like a dwarf. Fidgeting, playing with the hem of his shirt. He looked nice today, Gerard found and mentally slapped himself for that but then happiness took over and he approached the two guys and smiled widely at Frank before hugging him. He felt the other boy squeeze tightly and Gerard didn't want to let go but the guy Frank had been talking to loudly cleared his throat.

“Who's that?”, he looked at Frank sternly.

“My um...friend, Gerard.”, Frank answered obviously intimidated.

The older guy cast Gerard a condescending look and raised an eyebrow. “Sure.”, he said simply, “you better get to class one does not fuck with Mr. Hornen on their first day.”

“Yes, okay.”, Frank nodded and looked at Gerard before taking a step away from the guy.

“Who was that?”, Gerard asked when they were out of earshot.

“David. He lives just down the street from me, he offered to show me around, help me a bit with the new school and stuff, you know?”

The taller one made an acknowledging noise and then added, “I don't like him.”

“Come on, Gee, you don't even know him!”

“Yeah, I know, right. But anyways, how was the holiday?”

Gerard could see the grin spreading on Frank's face and they entered the classroom they where gonna have math in. There were two empty seats in the second to last row and Gerard gestured to them. Frank nodded and they passed through the other chairs, while Frank wanted to start telling his friend about the past weeks.

He didn't get the chance to though as he was cut of by someone calling his name, “Hey, Frank!” A guy sitting in the far corner of the room stood up to make himself noticeable. He looked like one of those guys, that would go try out for the football team as soon as possible or even earlier than that. “Come sit with us!”, by us he obviously meant the other boys around him, some of them Gerard knew from last year, none of them ever close to being his or Frank's friends. Frank shifted uncomfortably looking at the guy, that had called out for him. “Come on, man, we saved you a seat!”

Gerard had no clue as to what was going on. Neither him nor Frank had ever spoken to the guy before, he was sure, but that turned out to be a false assumption. “We had such an awesome time at the beach, bro, don't you wanna come here?” Even a person with Asperger's could have figured that that wasn't a question but a threat.

“At the beach?”, Gerard asked quietly.

Frank turned back around him but ignored his question. “Sorry, Gee, I gotta...” He made a small motion with his hand signaling Gerard that he was going to sit with the other guy before he walked away to take the only empty seat in the back row, leaving his best friend standing there like a lost puppy. Gerard was dumbfounded by what had just happened but quickly realized that he was still standing in the middle of the room so he fast looked around and sat down on a random unoccupied chair.

Behind him he could here the guy whisper, “You weren't really gonna sit with that freak, right?”.

Frank didn't answer and Gerard just stared at the blank wall in front of him until the lesson started, trying to keep himself from freaking out.

 

Naturally math wasn't exactly one of Gerard's favorite subjects and up to date he had always had Frank to accompany him through it. Today though, he was sitting alone, trying to follow whatever it was the teacher upfront was saying. In the beginning of the lesson he had explained the syllabuses for the class, then continuing with some random shit about his teaching, rules in his class, how they were gonna be tested etc. As time moved on Mr. Hornen decided to get started right away with the first theme they were covering this year and Gerard honestly tried to concentrate. That might have been a lot easier though if not every thirty seconds someone in the row behind him had started giggling or generally talking about complete nonsense. At first it had only been the guys he barely knew but now, Frank had joined in as well.

It was driving Gerard crazy.

If Frank had had an awesome time at the beach with those guys, fine, he wasn't gonna say anything about that but Frank had just left him alone! They had promised each other over summer, that whatever happened they would be there for their best friend, when high school started. Frank had been just as terrified as him. What had changed?

Gerard spent the rest of the lesson thinking about that. No, not thinking. Aching. He couldn't fathom what it was but deep down he hoped, that Frank didn't believe what the guy had said. That he was a freak. And he hoped, that after school was over today, Frank would come to his place or vice versa and he'd tell him all about his holiday and laugh like the past hour never happened and they'd just go on as they always did.

He wasn't just hoping, he knew it was going to happen. Frank was his best friend. They had even kissed once. That guy was just a random new friend he had made, that was totally normal. People had more than just one friend. Just because neither of them really had before didn't mean they couldn't go and make new friends as well. Maybe Gerard should do that, too. Frank would still be his best friend, he would always be but another friend wouldn't hurt, right?

 

When math class was finally over, as soon as the bell rang the jock that had called Frank at the beginning was out of the door, together with his friends, heading God knew where.

Gerard packed his stuff and when he got up Frank was standing right in front of him.

“Hey”, he said, smiling half-heartedly.

In that moment Gerard desperately wanted to be like one of those guys, that could call you out for nothing in front of the whole school just so he could ask Frank what the fuck he'd just done but instead all he ended up doing was smile back saying, “That was boring as hell.”

Frank snorted, “You bet!”

Together they headed for their next class. Tuesdays they were in all the same classes except for science, where they had different teachers and when Gerard had art Frank took music.

Finding their way around the building wasn't as difficult as either of them had expected it to be, mostly because history lessons took place just a corridor down from English. They entered their room and thankfully none of Frank's new friends were in that class so they sat down next to each other and Frank didn't stop talking about all the great things he'd done the past month until the bell rang. Even after that they spoke to each other in hushed voiced, their teacher not seeming to care the least and slowly Gerard's hope began to rise again. Maybe these four years wouldn't be too bad after all.

“And the hotel we stayed at was fucking awesome, like they had a huge swimming pool although the ocean was like a hundred feet away and it was so hot I burnt my back the first day but mom made me wear a shirt for swimming afterwards, which was totally not so cool but it helped. I met Ryan-”

“Ryan?”, Gerard had to interrupt.

“The guy from math class.”

“Oh, okay.”, he said his mood dropping suddenly at Frank mentioning him but the way his best friend seemed so full of joy made him happy again right away.

“So, I met Ryan at the beach one day, where he was hanging out with a couple of guys and for some reason he actually recognized me and asked me to join them and the stuff we did was so fucking ridiculous but we had so much fun.

Like that one time Ryan forgot his money in his parent's room but he wasn't supposed to be out that late so we had to do a leg-up and they made me crawl through the slightly opened window and get his wallet. I was so freaked, honestly, if his dad had caught me I think he would've made mousse á la Frank out of me but God, it was so fun.”

Gerard started giggling at the thought of Frank pressing himself through a hotel window. If Ryan's parents had woken up that would have been a disaster, Frank didn't exactly look like the most innocent kiddo ever in black band-tees but he could vividly imagine clumsy little Frank trying to not fall or break something while climbing in and out of that room.

“Also, there was this one time, when we were sitting at the beach and this really huge, really really really gross spider just started fucking running right towards me and I think I spilled my drink on like three people on my way fleeing from the damn thing. I swear to God that scared the crap out of me and I ended up running into this macho guy, who cursed at me for getting diet coke on his body but I was too creeped out to even care “

That was it for Gerard and he rested his head on his desk desperately trying to muffle his laughter. “Oh God, Frank, you and your fucking fear of spiders.”

“That's not a fear that's a legitimate phobia!”, the younger one countered.

“Whatever”, Gerard was still laughing but now his head was on Frank's shoulder, where he could feel the vibrations of the other boy giggling as well. It felt so good just having a laugh together and being near the other that Gerard quickly forgot about the pain his friend had caused him just an hour ago and in that moment both of them were just blissfully lighthearted.

Due to their conversation time flew and the lesson was over as soon as it started, neither of them had taken any notes but instead they had something way more valuable. They had huge grins spread across their faces, happy to be reunited after what seemed to have been the longest time they had ever been apart.

When they left history class Frank excused himself to go to the restroom so the two boys parted ways, each one going to his respective class alone but that was fine with Gerard. After that they had lunch, which meant he could spend another hour with Frank and hopefully get some decent food into his stomach.

Science was boring as fuck, which he had expected beforehand. It wasn't that he was terrible at it, actually he did a quite good job but for the love of God, he just didn't care about it at all. After the mandatory basic stuff about the class the teacher started talking about cell organisms or something like that and Gerard figured within a minute, that he would never, never use this stuff again after he graduated. But then again, that applied to nearly everything he learned in school. Gerard tried to focus on the text they were supposed to be reading and managed to answer more than half of the questions on the sheet their teacher had passed out before the bell rang and he rushed out of the room to go to the cafeteria to find Frank.

 

When he got there he stood at the end of the line to get some food and started looking around to see if Frank was already there. He gave up soon enough, not finding his friend anywhere so when he had his lunch, which looked gross to say the least he sat at an empty table in the back keeping an eye on the door.

He hadn't even been sitting for a minute, when he started to feel like people were watching him. Paranoia crept up his back and Gerard steadied his glance on the door in order to not frantically look around if people were indeed staring at him. Under the table he gripped his leg hard to stop it from shaking. There were too many people around, too many teenagers he didn't know and he was sure at least three quarters of the students gathered here were observing him, while talking to their friends.

Friends. Just as Gerard thought that Frank walked into the cafeteria but he wasn't alone. The crowd he had been sitting with during math was around him. They all got in line and after the lunch ladies thrust their trays into the guys hands they walked through the rows of occupied tables. When they were close to the one Gerard was sitting at his expression brightened and Frank took immediate notice of him. Gee could see him motioning something to the other guys, supposedly telling them, that he was gonna go sit with Gerard but as they approached his table their leader said loudly enough for every one around them to hear, “That guy's a fucking freak, Frank, I told you that.” and pulled him along, past Gerard to the other corner of the huge room.

For a second Frank turned around and Gerard was hopeful, that he would defend his best friend and tell the guy that he wasn't a freak but none of that happened. Frank just looked at him sadly once before turning back around and following the others, leaving Gerard alone. Again.

 

The rest of lunch break was bad, really bad. Gerard had no idea what to do. Sitting at his table all the people only stared at him and would occasionally whisper something to the person next to them so he got up and walked around the building for a while until he found a restroom, where he locked himself into one of the stalls and stayed there for the remainder of the break. He felt horrible, this couldn't really be happening. A few times he was very close to sobbing but he could always stop himself before anything happened. His left hand trembled when Gerard pushed his hair out of his face and he bit his lip sharply. Relocating pain, replacing emotional pain with physical hurt. That worked. Partly.

All his life he had never felt this way and even if he was close to, Frank had always been there to comfort him.

 

The rest of school time passed in a rush and Gerard didn't pay attention to a single thing. All his hopes were placed on finding Frank after school and asking him to come over. If he didn't do that, then Gerard honestly had no fucking clue as to what he should do. If his best friend was abandoning him after just one day, how was he supposed to survive the next four years?

His art class was alright. The teacher was a nice guy called Mr. Sawyer. He was an amazing drawer, Gerard found out and a decent human being as well, seeming to actually care what his students were doing.

Their first assignment was to simply draw anything they wanted. Mr. Sawyer said, that he just wanted to see how everyone's style was, how people were doing their art.

Gerard had settled on drawing a comic book character he came up with as he went along with his assignment and at the end of the lesson when the teacher came around looking at people's works he even complimented Gerard on his. The figure he had drawn was dark, big black wings coming out from behind his back, a raven uniform tight around their torso, protecting him from any and all outer force. Although Mr. Sawyer furrowed his brows he still told him, that Gerard seemed to be very talented before moving on to the other students.

That was the only good thing that had happened to Gerard that day. Well, besides the hour he'd spent talking to Frank but somehow thinking about that only made him feel worse than before. Maybe though, there was still a chance that there had only been some big misunderstanding and things were fine between him and Frank. At least that was what Gerard was telling himself.

 

As he left the building he scanned the school yard for the small dark haired guy and found him right away, standing alone next to a brick wall, apparently waiting for someone. Gerard's hopes multiplied by a billion.

“Hey, Frankie. You wanna come over to my place? I got a few things I wanna show you.”, he smiled at his best friend and dearly hoped, that he would say yes. It was already weird for them, that Gerard had even felt compelled to ask that question. Normally, Frank would just go with him and maybe go home in the evening though most days he would just stay over. Frank basically lived at the Way's.

Frank shifted uncomfortably, playing with one of the skeleton gloves he was wearing, “Sorry, Gee, I told David I'd come to his house after school today.”

“Oh”, Gerard sighed, “well okay, then. I guess...I guess I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.” Frank hugged him good-bye but it felt off somehow.

The taller boy's face fell as soon as he turned away from Frank. He walked past the bus stop, needing the fresh air around and the time it took to walk home for himself. As soon as he was far enough away from school he cracked. A single tear rolled over his cheek and he wiped it away as fast as possible. _It's gonna be okay,_ he told himself, _stop being ridiculous. Just cause he has some other friends now, too, doesn't mean your not still his best friend._ Gerard knew, that in that moment he was lying to himself but he couldn't bear the thought, that something between them had changed.

 

It had always been Frank and Gerard. Everywhere they went, they went together. Everything they did, they were never without the other. If you invited Gerard to something you could be sure Frank was gonna be there, too. If there were projects to be done, they were partners. They spent their breaks together and sat next to each other in class.

Where one of them was, the other was too. They were Frank and Gerard. Inseparable.

 

Had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, something a little different for this chapter, I hope you guys like it. I think, I'm gonna make a semi-regular thing out of this, just throw in a chapter like this every once in a while but of course the main focus will always rely on the other story line.  
> Let me know what you think about that.


	5. Don't bother trying to explain, Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides behind bushes* i think the beginning is actually decent but somewhere from the middle on my writing got like really bad i'm sorry *crawls deeper into the woods*

The early gray morning sun woke Gerard out of his deep slumber. Like most days he had fallen asleep on the couch, his back stiff and his limbs hurting from being partially stuck underneath his body. The Star Wars theme music was playing from the television, which he hadn't turned off last night and Gerard groaned, stretching, feeling groggy in desperate need of caffeine. Slowly he dragged himself off the couch and into the kitchen, where he made himself a pot of coffee before checking his phone to see if Mikey had sent him any instructions for the following day yet. As usual the hyper active man had already been awake hours earlier than Gerard and informed him of when he had to be where and what he should wear. As if Gerard couldn't dress himself.

_1pm in front of your apartment building. Look presentable. No comic book shirts. Clean jeans. And wash your fucking hair for once._

 

_How am I supposed to know if it's even worth washing my hair, when you won't tell me where we're going._

 

_I'm telling you, that's got to be enough. Now get you ass into the shower, I'm there in 40._

 

Gerard sighed but decided that arguing further wouldn't get them anywhere closer to a conclusion so he drowned his cup of coffee and went into the bathroom, where he stripped off last night's clothing and got into the shower. The hot water running down his body felt amazing, he really should do this more often. But then again, what for? It wasn't as if anyone was there to care how Gerard looked besides Mikey, who was obligated to endure his greasy hair by DNA. He massaged his scalp and rubbed some lotion over his entire body, rinsing it from all the dirt and grime of the last couple of days, weeks maybe. Okay, not weeks, he wasn't that unhygienic, but week. When he finished he jumped out of the shower, literally jumped because out of nowhere the water was really cold and Gerard almost broke his ass slipping on the wet tiles, and wrapped a towel around his waist wandering into his bedroom to get some clothes. Since Mikey had only specified on comic book shirts Gerard chose a – oh surprise- black Iron Maiden shirt and a pair of somewhat clean pants to cover himself in.

By now, he wasn't even curious where they were going anymore, he was just pissed at his brother for not telling him. Most likely they were just heading off to Belleville to spend the day at their parent's because that was the only place Mikey would take him, where he should attempt to look decent.

 

_You want a coffee to go?_ Mikey, just as Gerard, was always happier with coffee so maybe if Gerard brought him one he would have mercy and not make him spend his time being told to get a new job or worse make up with Frank, he really didn't need any of that right now.

 

_Nah, gonna pick some up on the way. Your coffee maker is awful._

 

_Fuck off it was cheap and the coffee's decent._

 

_There in 15. Will text when I'm outside._

 

_Sure_

 

Now, as that didn't work out as Gerard had hoped it would, he collapsed onto the couch, once again, groaning. He really, really did not want to go anywhere today. If it were up to him, Gerard would wallow in self-pity the entire day and marathon The Lord of the Rings but unfortunately his hyper energetic, people friendly brother had to make sure he left the apartment at least twice a week so Gerard didn't get to put those plans into action.

 

When his phone vibrated again Gerard didn't bother to check it but grabbed a jacket and was out of the door. The broken elevator forced him to take the stairs and Gerard tried his best to hide his heavy breathing as he got into Mikey's car. The younger man looked genuinely surprised, when he saw his brother as clean as ever.

“You actually showered.”

Gerard only grunted and shot him a condescending look, “Imagine, I do that sometimes.”

“Yeah, but not like...recently.”

“Whatever, come on I want coffee and a bagel, I haven't had breakfast.”

“It's fucking 1pm! You should have had lunch by now.”

“Not everyone gets up at ass o'clock, Mikeyway.”

 

The younger proceeded to start the engine and drive through the busy Brooklyn streets, finding a Starbucks, when they were almost out of the city.

“You stay here, I'm gonna get our stuff.”, he informed Gerard and jumped out of the car heading into the coffee shop. He returned five minutes later with to venti cups of coffee and Gerard's favorite bagel, shoving the things into his brother's hands before he climbed back into the driver's seat.

“So, you don't wanna keep asking where we're going?”

“We're leaving the city towards Jersey so I'm gonna have a real wild guess saying we're headed to mom and dad's.”

Mikey simply shrugged, “Well, you'll see.”

 

The drive to Belleville wasn't too long, although traffic wasn't exactly smooth on a Saturday afternoon in New York and a little less than an hour later they were pulling up to the house Gerard and Mikey had grown up in.

“So, why exactly did you insist on not telling me we were seeing mom and dad, that's just ridiculous.”, Gerard exclaimed, one hand on it's way to the door handle before the taller man told him to not get out of the car, which got him a confused look of his older brother.

“We're just picking them up, got a little more to go.”

It's safe to say that now Gerard was hopelessly baffled, if they weren't staying here, what on earth were they doing in Jersey?

Just as he wanted to reply their parents opened the doors to the back seats with smiles on their faces. “Hello, boys.”, their mom greeted them.

“Hey, mom”, the answered simultaneously before Gerard turned around to face his mother, “Will you at least tell me, where we're going?”

The woman just laughed and shrugged, “You haven't told him, yet?”, she asked Mikey.

“Thought it'd be best if I didn't.”

“Well then, I can't tell you either, dear.”

Gerard wanted to tear his hair out, he needed to know where they were going, what was all that secrecy about anyways?

“Daaaaad, please?”

“You heard your mother, son, I'm not telling you.”

“Bruh, whatever, I hope you all feel bad for tormenting the mind of an already stressed, suffering artist.”

All that this earned him were sheepish laughs from the back and driver's seat and Gerard turned around looking out of the windshield, while hoping to catch some clues by the streets they passed.

“We're almost there, honestly, Gee, calm the fuck down.”, Mikey simply had to tell Gerard, when he wouldn't stop staring out the window jiggling his leg up and down but candidly, he knew Gerard wasn't good with foreign situations so he couldn't blame him.

 

A few short minutes later they turned into a street Gerard hadn't been to in a while but knew all too well and he averted his gaze, staring at his shoes, not wanting to be confronted with childhood memories once again. He tapped a nervous rhythm with his fingertips, drumming on his thighs, while he silently prayed, that Mikey would speed up a little and pass by the street a fast as possible. But as Gerard had never in his life been blessed with neither enough faith to believe that praying would do any good, nor the luck for things he wished for to actually happen his little brother did not press the gas pedal down further, no he did the exact opposite and hit the breaks, while Gerard was still holding a steady glance, observing the mud stains on his shoelaces. As soon as he felt the car stop Gerard's head shot upwards, checking where exactly they had parked and he couldn't believe it.

“You're fucking with me, right?”

The driveway the car had come to stop in was ranked beautifully with flowers, making it stand out opposed to the gray sidewalk and the house it belonged to was painted in a faint yellow shade, the paint peeling off of the walls. It looked just as Gerard remembered it. There were a little less plants in the front yard and the black motorcycle that used to stand outside had been discarded into the garage but over all it looked just like the small 2nd home Gerard had practically shared a room in twenty years ago.

“This has got to be a motherfucking joke, Mikey!”

“No, it's not, now get your ass outside the car.”

Gerard though, didn't move an inch, he couldn't believe his brother.

“I mean it, Gee, get the fuck out of here.”

The man in the passenger set let out a dry laugh, marveling at how easy Mikey thought it would be to get him inside that house. Never again, he would set a foot onto those grounds, that much had been clear the day he decided that Frank must honestly hate him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Mikey? You can't seriously believe that I'll let you make me go in there. Did you and Frank like plot this or something?”

“He doesn't know you're coming either.”

Gerard narrowed his eyes at Mikey, trying to unravel what the younger was up to, “So what exactly are we here for?”

This time the guy's mom interrupted, Gerard had almost forgotten his parents were there, too, “Michael told me about your encounter with Frank and how he had said, that all he wanted was to explain. When I talked to Linda recently I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to give him the chance to do so.”

“And what if I don't fucking want him to explain?”

“Then you will listen to him anyways, Gerard. The boy has been through a lot and it can't hurt you to let him tell you his side of things.”

All Gerard could do was throw up his hands dramatically before Mikey had gotten up and around the car to open the passenger door.

“We're still standing right in front of their house so you might want to not put on a show here. We're going in. Now.”

The two brothers held a steady gaze on each other, both trying to seem as angry and stern as possible. “Gerard, please”, Mikey finally gave in.

“Whatever”, Gerard said, hoping it didn't seem like Mikey's plead had made him weak, which it totally had not done! “First sign of guilt tripping and I'm out of there.”

“Sure”, the youngest Way nodded and guided Gerard to the front porch, their parents following closely behind.

 

They didn't have to wait long after the first knock and Linda Iero opened the door, beaming at the family, that had just arrived.

“Gerard, it's wonderful to see you again, you look great! Come on in, it's been so long.”

She opened the door a little wider, inviting the Way's into her house, before turning around shouting upstairs, “Frankie, guests are here, come down!”

Gerard stopped dead in front of the staircase leading to where he knew Frank's old room was located. He wondered, what it looked like now. Were the posters they'd put there together still on the walls? Probably not. Not only was that way too long ago and Frank must have grown out of it but also he had certainly ripped them all down, when his new friends came to visit.

He felt a hand on his back, softly pushing him to move on. When he looked to his side Mikey was standing there, a sympathetic look on his face. Together they followed the others into the kitchen, where Linda was handling some cups asking what everyone wanted to drink. “Coffee, please. Milk, no sugar, for both of us.”, Mikey answered for Gerard and himself.

 

“Mom, do you need me to get-”, the voice from the kitchen door suddenly stopped, “What the-”

Gerard turned around, to find Frank standing there, hair still slightly damp from a shower he must have taken and an utterly confused look on his face.

“Glad to know, I wasn't the only one, not expecting this.”, Gerard muttered, interpreting Frank's confusion as shock of Gerard being there.

“You bet.”, was all the shorter man said before turning to his mother, “What on earth, mom?”

“Be polite, Frank!”, she scolded him, “Donna and I thought it would be nice for you boys to spend the afternoon talking.”

Frank's eyes widened at how ridiculous that sounded, “Nice to spend the afternoon?”, he repeated.

“Yes, now come here and help me with this coffee machine, I still don't know how to work it.”

It took her son a minute to process, what Linda had set him up to and he walked towards the coffee maker silently and pressed a few buttons. The dark liquid started flowing into a big pot.

Although his parents and Linda were talking animatedly the next few minutes were extremely tense for Gerard. None of the boys said anything besides the occasional _please_ and _thank you_ while they were eating cake and listened to their mothers during an avid discussion on the new playground that was supposed to be build in the park.

“So, Gerard, what are you doing for a living?”, Linda changed the topic of the conversation, smiling at the oldest Way brother.

“I...ehm...”

“Gerard's a comic book artist.”, Mikey helped him out.

“A comic book artist!”, Linda exclaimed excitedly, “that sounds fun. I remember you drawing super heroes all the time as a kid, it must be wonderful to pursue a career in something you love doing.”

“Yes, ehm, it's quite nice to enjoy what you're doing.” When you actually have a job to get paid for what you do, Gerard wanted to add but decided it'd be best not to.

“Frank is a tattoo artist, aren't you, darling”

“Yeah...I work at this place in Brooklyn, it's...it's a good job actually.”

_Wow, could this get anymore awkward_ , Gerard asked himself, while he specifically did not look at Frank and toyed with the last piece of cake on his pla te .

“Well, I think, we're just gonna leave you boys to yourselves now.”, Donna stood up from her chair and panic flared up in Gerard. This hadn't been part of the deal. On their way outside the room she nudged Mikey's shoulder signaling him to come along but Gerard grabbed his hand under the table, forbidding him to leave.

“I think, I'm just gonna stay along for a little while, mom.”, Mikey said and Gerard let out a shaky breath, pressing his brothers hand softly before letting go as a silent _thank you_. 

Their mother cocked an eyebrow but then shrugged and excited the room behind Linda and her husband.

 

It was Mikey, who finally broke the tense silence between them.

“So, how's your dad, Frank?”

“He's, uhm, at my aunt's I believe, she's got some issues with her youngest and he's trying to mediate. But besides that he's good.”

“Oh, okay, well that's nice of him.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Their conversation went something like that for a while. Awkward small talk between the three of them. Well, actually, between Frank and Mikey. Gerard was only half-heartedly following what they were saying his mind wandering off to other places most of the time.

There was a noticeable shift in the atmosphere, when the two men started talking about music. Evidently, Frank was into a lot of the same music as the Way brothers. Either that, or his tattoos were completely misguiding and they engaged in a heated discussion which Misfits era had been the best.

Soon Frank was talking about the various bands he had been in and Gerard pretended not to be interested, while he listened eagerly. Frank made avid hand gestures while talking, that Gerard had noticed and it drew his attention to the words inked onto his skin there. The word _H_ _a_ _lloween_ written across his fingers made the other man smile. It was good to know, that he wasn't the only adult that never got rid off his obsession with the holiday.

The conversation was easy from then on, though Gerard still didn't participate.

The other men discussed bands and comic book and movies and it went all too smoothly for it to stay that way.

As if the universe had read Gerard's mind Mikey's phone rang in the middle of him saying something and he looked at the display and got up, “I need to take this.”, he stated before exiting the room, leaving Gerard and Frank alone.

 

For a moment the two of them awkwardly sat at the table, looking down on their respective plates. Gerard curled his fingers underneath the table, fingernails digging into the sensitive skin of his palm to take his mind of the fact that never before had being alone with Frank been this weird. As kids everything was easy, talking came easily, there was always something to discuss. The new comic book that had just been dropped, stuff that happened in school, stories about Mikey, their parents or other things they'd witnessed. They didn't have to think about anything at all before spending the day together, things would just come up as soon as their thoughts collided. That was so different now.

 

“So, uhm, you wanna...maybe have a smoke outside?”, Frank attempted to relive the conversation.

Gerard couldn't find a way out of the situation so he defeatedly agreed and followed the shorter one into the back yard. They both grabbed a cigarette from the pack Frank had had in his jeans pocket and Gerard accepted the lighter he held out for him with a half-smile.

“Gerard, I...”, Frank began, not looking at the other one. They were standing next to each other, a safe distance in between them and looked at the garden of the conjoined house in front of them. “This wasn't my idea.”

“I know.”

“Good, uhm, but as we are kinda trapped here I thought, maybe, we...I could.”

Despite his height Frank managed to be a somewhat tough looking guy, with the tattoos, piercings and slightly longer than usual hair but now his shoulders pulled up and hands buried deep inside his jeans pockets he was the exact opposite.

“Look, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.”

Gerard was still standing on the grass next to him, staring at the other house and only his defensive posture told Frank that the taller man knew that he was still with him.

“When...that summer, when I ran into those boys at the beach and they made me believe that I could be one of them, somebody that people didn't just walk past in the hallway. They taught me how to be cool and what I needed to do to have people notice me, to make friends with people. I felt like I could have more than just one friend, I thought that if I were part of the cool crowd we could both have so much more fun in high school and we wouldn't have to be afraid of being shoved into lockers anymore.”, he rambled, rushing the words out of his mouth quickly because he knew that if he didn't say everything now he would never get the chance to.

Gerard grunted and mumbled something unintelligible, that Frank figured must be along the lines of 'Worked out well enough for you'.

“I never...they...one day one of the boys asked me about you. I said you were my best friend and that you were a really cool guy but they all just laughed at me, told me you were a freak.”, Frank paused and took a drag of his cigarette, “I thought they were joking. I couldn't see why anyone would call you a freak. Sure, we had never been normal but we weren't freaks. They dropped the subject and I was convinced we were through with it, that they would learn to see that you weren't as weird as they thought.”, he looked up from the ground and fixed his gaze on Gerard's face or what he could see of it. The black hair was covering most of the skin, only his small nose peeking through from the side.

“When school started...I didn't know what to do. They all couldn't stand you, thought you were an easy target. I felt horrible, leaving you like that. I saw you every day, saw you sitting alone at lunch, saw you hiding in the bathrooms as soon as you finished eating. I knew, that what I was doing was awful but I couldn't bring myself to go back to you. Not only would I have lost my position in school but also...I was so afraid because...Everyone knew that if you were gay you would be bullied it was as easy as that and I...I was...I was falling for you Gerard and I was terribly afraid that anyone would ever find out about my sexuality. The first time I actually dated a guy was way into college, all the time before the idea of people judging me for being bi was the worst thing ever, I couldn't handle so much as thinking about it.

 

So I left you to your own devices, hoping that you would make it through high school because you still meant so much to me but I was a fucking wimp and didn't have the guts to be with the people I actually cared about and who I knew liked me for who I really was. Through the years I convinced myself that it was best this way, that the people I had befriended were right for me, that I had the fucking time of my life with them. Simultaneously people started joking around, calling me gay whenever I sad that I liked art or dyed my hair. I got defensive and took it out on you. It seemed like the logical consequence at the time. The only guy I had had feelings for had to be the subject for my tortures. That you had been my best friend who I was supposed to protect from bullies was the furthest thing on my mind and I didn't think twice before pushing you into doors and against window sills. The other guys praised me for it, said now that I finally had the guts to treat you like you deserved. That only pushed me further.

 

After graduation I realized how appalling my behavior was. I understood that it was my fear of being who I really was that made me do this stuff, that you had never done anything wrong. I feel horrible about it. I regret everything I did, Gerard, believe me, if I could go back in time I would slap myself in the face and make me sit with you during lunch that first and every fucking day to come. I know saying sorry doesn't do you any good. Still...I hope that you'll forgive me.”, the last words were only a whisper. Frank looked at the cigarette in his hand, already burned down to the filter and let it fall to the ground, crashing the ashes with his shoe. Saying all his out loud drained Frank. He didn't know what he expected of Gerard now that he had finally had his chance to explain everything. He felt his eyes tearing up, when the other man didn't say a word in response.

 

Just as he couldn't bear the silence between them any longer Gerard started to speak. It was only one sentence but defied anything Frank had hoped for. “Are you finished?”, was all the other man said.

“Yes”, Frank gulped heavily, waiting for Gerard to add more.

“Good.”, Gerard dropped the rest of his cigarette into the grass and made sure to butt out the glowing point before he turned around and walked back to the house.

The tattooed man's eyes followed Gerard's steps calculating what he was supposed to do now. “Hey!”, he shouted impulsively, immediately regretting it as soon as Gerard turned around. He hadn't been able to see the taller one's face, while he was speaking but now he got the full view of Gerard's expression. He was furious.

“What?”, he shot back, staring right at Frank.

“I...I thought you might say something.”, Frank admitted quietly.

“Say something? What the fuck am I supposed to say?”, Gerard exploded. Listeing to Frank trying to justify his actions made his blood boil and he had to clench his fists to stop himself from acting out., “Hey buddy, it's alright I forgive you? What you just said explains everything and I'm totally fine with that? Yeah, I bet that's what you wanted to hear. You know what, what you just said was a really bullshit excuse for the bullying but it's an even worse one for all the other shit you pulled off.”, Gerard waited a moment to give Fran some time to come up with his own conclusion of what he was talking about. When it didn't seem as if he'd understand Gerard continued.

 

“What about that one time you started making out with me in my room at my mom's birthday party before running away, leaving me there crying. And the next day at school you watched your stupid ass friends shove me into a locker and called me an emo faggot!”, Gerard all but screamed at the short man in front of him, “You think that's justified by 'I was young and didn't know what the fuck to do'? You really think that? 'Cause it's fucking not, you get that?”

Everything around them was quiet for a moment and all one could hear was the chilly wind blowing through the trees in the backyard before suddenly another voice spoke from behind them. “You did fucking what?”, Mikey shouted from the veranda of the Iero's house.

The pair turned around to face not only Gerard's brother but also his parents and Frank's mom. When they had heard the loud voices from outside they had emerged from the living room to go check on their sons just to find Gerard fuming with anger and Frank close to tears.

“Go away, Mikey, this has got nothing to do with you!”, the older brother shouted back.

“Nothing to do with me? You think what you went through in high school has got nothing to do with me? Everything that happened because of that and I don't deserve to know?”

“Well what do you think? That I tried to kill myself because my stupid best friend crush had found new friends?”

Gerard could see Frank wincing at that last question but he couldn't care less, “Gee, please, I-”, the tattooed man interjected.

“Shut it, Frank, honestly. You wanna know why I can't just forgive you? Why I can't just run into your arms like you're my dream come true? 'Cause there's a suicide note still laying in the back of the closet in my childhood room, that I never threw away. You wanna know why? Not 'cause I'm so fucking sentimental or wanted to remind myself to never do something like that again. It's laying there because to date I still wish I had succeeded. I still wish that I could have done one thing correctly in my entire life and cut a little deeper, a little longer, a little more than I did. I wish I'd not been such a wimp and started a little earlier so that Mikey hadn't found me still alive. You heard that, Mikey, my kid brother found me! My wrists slit, blood running down into the drain. He was thirteen! That's your fault, Frank. You ruined me! You and your stupid friends and your stupid smile, that could make my entire day and your fucking little curls, when your hairs gets too long like now and your dumb ass amazing tattoos and taste in music but most of all you and your fucking friends that made my life hell for four fucking years and long after, so shut the fuck up, Frank, whatever you got to say, I don't wanna hear it, this is all your fault!”

 

Gerard held a steady gaze on Frank the entire time, so he could make out the exact moment, when the other man couldn't take it any longer and broke down. It was the _You ruined me_ that took the last of Frank's strength, his knees buckling, helpless tears falling from his eyes. Now he was crouching on the dry grass, his face hidden behind trembling hands but Gerard made no move forward, he stayed put where he was, staring down on the person he had so conflicted feelings for.

It was Mikey, that finally broke the silence for the second time that day. He didn't look at Gerard but rather kneed next to Frank, putting an arm on his back whispering soothing words, while the smaller man continuously sobbed, “I'm so sorry, Gee, so sorry.” but if Gerard felt anything it was betrayal. His brother was comforting Frank Iero. He wasn't standing next to Gerard, trying to calm him down, he wasn't even shouting at him, asking him what the fuck he was thinking, no he was holding Frank.

It was quiet among the adults for a while until they couldn't hear Frank sob anymore. Mikey looked at him concerned and rubbed his back one last time, “You okay?”

Frank nodded slightly and tore his hands from his blurry eyes. The younger Way got up from the ground and marched over to where his brother was standing, “What the fuck, Gerard!”, he exclaimed loudly and grabbed one of the older ones arms, yanking up his sleeve, “You think this is all his fault?”, he pressed his thumb forcefully into the still visible scars on his wrist, “How pathetic are you?” Gerard let out a pained gasp as Mikey's nails pushed into his skin but his brother didn't seem to notice, “God dammit, you can't blame everything on what one person did to you fifteen years ago! Sure, he did some fucking horrible things, for the love of God I still hate him for that but no one – no one deserves being blamed for your own fuck ups!”

 

“It's okay, Mikey.”, the tiny voice that belonged to Frank told him, “It's...I think I kind of needed to hear that.”

Mikey dropped Gerard's arm and turned around, equally confused as his brother who was looking at Frank as if he'd lost his mind.

“At least now I know, what he really thinks of me, it's okay. I did everything he said, so I guess it's alright.” That moment Frank looked so broken, so defeated, he reminded Gerard of his five year old version, that had been told his dog just died and for a second he forgot about everything that happened between then and now and all he wanted was to hold him close and never let him go again. With a twitch in his hand he almost reached out for Frank but pulled back fast enough, when he remembered what had gotten them in this situation to begin with.

 

Apparently no one knew what to say to that so Gerard lowered his gaze, avoiding the looks his parents gave him trying to figure what to do now. Hesitantly he searched for Mikey's eyes. Even though only a minute ago his little brother had been deeply angry at him, Gerard knew, that he could always rely on him for help. Mikey caught his glance and frowned but then turned around warily, “I guess it's best if we just go now. I'll-”, he smiled sadly at Frank, clearly remembering what he had said to him a few days ago about hoping it wouldn't be too late, “I'll talk to you soon, okay?”

Frank didn't seem to completely register what Mikey had told him but nodded anyways.

 

Gerard followed his brother to the car mindlessly, his brain shut down completely as he buckled himself up and sank into the seat, drowning in the quiet music that started to play as soon as the engine roared.

 

“You ruined me or smile that could make my day. You need to get your fucking priorities straight, Gee.”


End file.
